Mental Health, let's talk

When I sat down to write my very first blog post, I thought:

"What the hell do I write for my very first blog post?!" 

But what better way to kick-start this blog than talking about mental health? It is the main theme of my first novel, after all. And, whaddya know! It happens to be May, and May is Mental Health Awareness Month... Whaaat? So cool, you say?! How well-put-together am I, you ask?? lol.

Honestly, mental health is a topic that we should all be passionate about because I'm willing to bet every single one of us has been negatively affected by it in one way or another. I wanted to talk about my experiences and how, over the past decade, they transformed my novel from meaningless sludge to something with purpose.

When the idea of Kill Me Before I Die first came to me, I was in the middle of my deployment in Afghanistan. I woke up from a dream with nothing but a snapshot of a scene and an absolute need to create the story that pulsed from it. Why? I had no fucking clue. At first, writing that manuscript was mainly just my way to channel the stressful emotions of being in a warzone, and hone my writing skills. The outline was piss-poor-- hell, I had no idea how to even write correctly in the first place. Kill Me Before I Die started out in a post-apocalyptic world, no doubt inspired by the barren desert I was stationed in. It had all the sarcasm and dark humor of the current manuscript, but not a single impactful message to convey to my readers. It certainly wasn't where I wanted it to be, so I stuffed it away and casually tinkered with it from time to time.

Fast forward a handful of years. I'm still wandering aimlessly around with my unfinished, shitty manuscript, slowly losing my vision and excitement for it. 

That all changed after I had my second kid. I got sucker-punched with a massive and unexpected dose of post-partum depression. That was my first personal experience with a mental health issue, and at that time, it wrecked me. Thank God I was never "kill my child" bad (sorry, was that offensive? It's reality, honey, don't ignore it) but I was still affected by it every single day. I couldn't escape it. I cried for the stupidest reasons, was horribly jealous of everyone, and felt like my world was crumbling. For the first time in my life, I could answer "yes" to the "Have you lost interest in the things you usually enjoy?" question. I was just so shocked how quickly and easily it struck me. I'd never struggled with mental health before, and I assumed I never would. After all, I'd been through lots of crazy stuff before and never had issues. I grew up in a foreign country. I was sexually assaulted in 6th grade by another student. I deployed overseas where did regular patrols and was under threat of enemy attacks and mortar fire a lot. I was stuck in an absusive relationship with an ex boyfriend... But having A BABY did me in? After everything else, why that?! 

Once I got through that humbling experience, my husband started coming home with his own PTSD from his new job in law enforcement. And then we'd get the occasional phone call or see a post about someone we knew had committed suicide. I realized mental distress can hit literally anyone and everyone at any time, and I was no different. 

That's when it clicked, and I knew exactly what direction my book needed to go. I realized that the previous 'End-of-World-and-All-Civilisation' setting really limited a lot of the novel's potential, so I dusted off the virtual dust and rewrote the damn thing AGAIN (Not sure how many times that thing has been rewritten), but this time I had a vision I'd never had before.  

That drastic change is what the book needed, and it finally allowed it to take on a life of its own. It's full of dark humor and inappropriate jokes, but it doesn't shy away from the hard stuff, like very real trauma, loss, and death of self.  

So why all the crude humor and violence, you ask? If this is supposed to be about mental health, isn't it counterintuitive to bring up potential triggers??? 

Let me tell you something. Dark humor has helped soldiers and others cope since the dawn of time. According to The Google, people can withstand physical pain 33% longer when allowed to use juicy swear words, and they even help process emotion, establish social bonds, and express oneself better. Article 

See? Even science agrees with me, people! So there is a reason military and first responders are known for their foul mouths and inappropriately-timed and often "offensive" jokes. It's almost like a unique language that only they can understand. It unifies them. It's also another method to process a shitload of intense emotions, in the same way crying or exercising can help. When going through some tough times, a lot of us don't want sappy, inspirational Pinterest quotation fluff! Back in Basic Training, when I was covered in all sorts of bodily fluids, about to pass out from heat, I would have punched someone who told me "Today is a gift, sister. That's why we call it the present!" Biatch, no. No one in the military says that to each other. Ever. And there's a reason for that. Taking that mentality into war? Oh boy. And thank goodness the Army seasoned me before they sent me off to Afghanistan (salt and dick jokes being the seasonings of choice). Because we definitely didn't see "You have to look through the rain to see the rainbow!" quotes spray-painted on the cement blockades over there. No, there were sexually explicit comments and dick jokes. That's what happens when you throw a group of young, immature, salty, and bored 18-20-year-olds into a wartime environment. Dick jokes at the chow hall, dick jokes in the showers, dick jokes while mortars blew up around us, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. They never failed to get a good chuckle out of us anxious kids.  

And laughter brought us through some long ass days, let me tell you.

I feel the judgment of invisible critics hovering over me already. But I'm not writing for invisible critics. I'm writing for those of us who struggle with mental health and use crass humor to process our overwhelming emotions. You are my tribe! I can be myself around you and not feel judged. I'm writing this for you and I hope you can get some good laughs and find some raw inspiration between the pages. If I can help just one reader with my novel, then I've done my job.

Harsh criticism be damned.